i posted this some time ago on tumblr, but realized what i wrote might help more here, a community with younger, more inexperienced artists
this one’s dedicated to the amazing Spibbles
i’ve got some things i wanted to get outta my chest. it wasn’t long ago when i saw their first piece of art, an hamilton animatic
and i have to admit, it was all fine until i found out they were younger than me
then i felt jealousy grow in me like i haven’t in a long time. and i know why, it’s because i’m such a self loathing piece of shit, constantly disgusted by and unsatisfied with myself, and i know drawing is probably the only thing i can do properly. it was really the only thing i held on to to give myself some little bit of love. i’m too competitive, always wanting the best, and it fucks me up and frustrates me every single time. sometimes i think it isn’t worth trying. that’s what i thought when i found out they were younger than me. i thought i had kind of lost the only thing i was good at. for someone that doesn’t even know if they’ll reach their own high stakes or even know what they’re doing with their life and feels like they’re walking a tightrope all the time, i felt so threatened. i became furious, and tons of schoolwork came and the pressure fucked me up. i tried to make some art with the time i had and the stress wouldn’t let me do something decent. the restlessness was only growing. you only climb and get better and i’m stalling, falling behind. i’m so tired. and i knew i shouldn’t have grown up enough to not feel this kind of shit anymore, but i felt irrationaly threatened. i always have to be the best of the best and i know i’m the average among the worst. and it kills me.
but today i met my friends who i hadn’t seen in a long time. it filled me with happiness and a new boost, it was like a new reason to work for. and i was walking down the street with them and realized what really mattered is love. if there’s something they’ve thaught me is there’s really nothing to run from. why keep with this? hate weakens me so much. i’ll take my time. i feel each day that i’m running out of time, and it frustrated me that maybe you did use yours better than me.
but when i saw that video of you explaining why you changed your channel a few hours ago, it really touched me. truth is, i do relate a lot to you. i could write about my insecurity for hours on end. and i know it wasn’t your fault that i got jealous. even when i was in that phase i knew it was all because of me. i got so disappointed at myself, and you saying you were insecure and the love and support of ppl made you happy hit me hard honestly. cause really, making ppl happy is something that makes me feel at least a bit worthy of the chances life gives me and something i can manage to do so little. i rely on art to make my insecurities fade away. and it may have been hard to admit before, but your work gave me so much happiness. regardless of all, when i was actually watching your animatics n speedpaints i couldn’t help but feel the happiest little bean in the world. i was blown away by the beauty. it’s hard to explain how it made me feel, but those animatics are such a treasure. You took a beautiful inspiring story and made it better in your own way. your art really has a special power. i’m pretty new in the hamilton fandom and i’ve gotten addicted so fast that i already have a big collection of good hamilton moments in my heart, but one of the best ones are totally when i took some time to see your art. so yeah, sorry about those tantrums and know that now your art inspires and conforts me so much. have a little drawing i made based on your gorgeous style and your meet the artist speedpaint.
you are truly special, and a really awesome person, and you don’t deserve those insecurities, at all. thank you for everything, scribs. it’s nice to feel like you’re in the same page as someone every once in a while when it comes to feelings. and thank you for teaching me that the world is wide enough for everyone
so yeah people, avoid jealousy as you can. it really brings you nothing good, it can lead faster to your ruin. i assure you, that’s not how you’re going to get motivation. that’s not how you’re going to get better. just do your best, that would be enough